This content was originally published in issue 1 of the Embrace magazine. You can get a free digital copy here.
We know how kids ‘should’ eat, but what if they refuse vegetables or fruit, don’t feel full, keep eating until they feel sick, or are too anxious to eat? These families share how they navigate their mealtime battles, and Jo Money from Eat Love Live gives her expert advice.
Genevieve’s story
My child has always been fussy with food – eating bananas one day and not the next and having a meltdown when I cut a sandwich the wrong way. I always brushed it off and expected them to grow out of it. When they started school and had to eat in the classroom, their lunch box came home untouched, and they were really tired and grumpy all the time. Our GP helped us to get some support and eventually they were diagnosed with Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder (ARFID)*. It was such a shock and took some time to find the right help, but we have a plan now that allows them to eat something safe at school.
Jo says: “It can be hard to know what fussy eating is and what is something more serious. Kids will generally eat if they are hungry but if there is an underlying problem related to anxiety or texture then they won’t, and you may notice they are grumpy from being hungry or may even lose weight. That’s when it’s time to get help.”
*ARFID is a relatively new eating disorder that is on the rise, particularly among young children. Unlike other eating disorders, the fear, anxiety, and disgust around food does not typically come alongside body image concerns but is food driven.
Graeme’s story
We have two kids, and of course they are very different in terms of what they will eat. What I find hard is that my youngest daughter really doesn’t connect with the sensation of feeling full, and when she’s seeking dopamine she will just keep eating and eating until she actually feels really sick. She will sneak food, especially sweets, into her room and constantly demands sweet foods. We don’t want to make a big deal about it, but we want to make sure she is healthy.
The hardest part is managing this in the context of the broader family dynamic because my older son is just so disinterested in food. I mean, he eats at mealtimes, but if he’s left alone, he’d completely forget. So then my daughter asks for the food left on his plate if he won’t eat it. It’s so hard to overcome the morals and values we were taught as kids – that eating so much is greedy – and she gets teased about her weight at school. We’ve tried to avoid snapping at her to stop eating, and tried to teach her other ways to recognise the way that eating makes her feel.
Jo says: “We’re all impacted by diet culture, which is a cultural set of myths around food, weight and health that demonises certain ways of eating while elevating others, creating comparison and shame if you don’t measure up. This sets expectations that to be a good adult and parents we should feed our children in a certain way. But some bodies need more food to function, some brains seek more dopamine through certain foods, some bodies are repulsed by food textures, while others crave them. All our bodies are different.
Keep providing nutritious food choices, and allow your children to decide what their bodies need. Remind them to ‘check in’ with their bodies, and listen to the signals of being hungry or full. Talk about what that feels like for you, and what it means in terms of feeling cranky, tired, and having less energy if you don’t eat, or feeling sick or having a tummy ache when you eat certain foods.”
Steve’s story
I was someone who was teased as a child because I’m Greek. I didn’t feel like I fitted in. I totally ate all of the food my grandma would make to self-soothe. I’m really trying to help my daughters to be able to express their emotions and shut down the bullies, so they don’t have to try to manage their emotions with food.
Jo says: “Sometimes, wanting our kids to have a different experience to us means we need to get some help to learn new skills so we can then teach them. This may mean reading books and listening to podcasts to help us understand our own relationship with food and working on building a more positive one. We can also work with a counsellor or dietitian to support us with this.
Our children learn so much from us, so it is important that we are aware of what we are saying about our own bodies. If we are negative about how we look, kids absorb this. If we can be neutral – or even positive – about ours and other bodies this will help them to see their bodies in a more positive light too.
Part of diet culture is the belief that only thin bodies are valuable and bigger bodies are bad. This stereotype is perpetuated in so many areas of our culture and media – ever noticed the body size of Disney villains? It is appropriate to call out this fat phobia when we see it so that kids can also start to understand that it is not okay to treat someone differently based on how they look.
We can also be aware of how food is used in the house. Are we using food as a reward or punishment? Do the kids see us reach for certain food when we feel sad? As we learn other ways to manage emotions we can then model this for our kids.”
