My top five mantras when things aren’t okay
“I can be a good parent and have a bad moment.”
Read that again. Your worst 30 seconds do not cancel out your best 10 years! One raised voice doesn’t erase a thousand moments of comfort and one forgotten thing doesn’t undo all the ways you show up. I once forgot to go to a kindy concert, and was absolutely devastated and wore the “world’s worst mum” hat for weeks to follow. I wish I’d known a little more self-compassion back then and that I could have reminded myself that humans get tired. Humans get overwhelmed. Humans hit their limit.
So when you’ve had a moment you wish you could rewind, try this instead of spiralling: “That wasn’t my best moment, but it doesn’t make me a bad parent” or “I can repair this. I can reset.”
“I am learning in real time.”
Parenting isn’t something you master and then cruise. It’s something you meet — day after day — while the rules keep changing, the needs keep evolving, and you’re expected to be calm, wise, and regulated… on four hours sleep… while someone cries because their toast broke in half or because “someone ate all the Nutella.”
Parenting is one long on-the-job training course, without the manual, without the sleep, and definitely without proper lunch breaks! So progress has to count even when it’s messy. Actually, especially when it’s messy!
One of the bravest, most emotionally intelligent things you can model for your kids is this: you don’t have to pretend you know everything. Sometimes I literally say to my kids, “I just don’t know the answer to this” or “I don’t know how to best manage this situation, can I come back to you?” That isn’t weakness — it’s leadership and it’s teaching my kids that they aren’t being raised by a ‘perfect’ parent, but rather one who is brave enough to grow alongside them.
“I am not the thoughts I’m having.”
Your brain will offer dramatic, unhelpful thoughts like “I’m ruining them,” “I can’t do this” or “Everyone else has it together and I don’t.” Thoughts are not facts, they’re just… thoughts.
When you’re in a full-blown ‘poo moment’, the question isn’t “How do I fix my whole life?” it’s “What’s going to get me through the next 60 seconds?” Is it breathwork, a quick mantra or calling a friend? My personal go-to is blasting John Farnham’s “Take the Pressure Down” and literally flicking the stress off my body with my hands like I’m shaking off static electricity. Think about what you could add to your toolkit to get out of your irrational head and back into a self-compassionate state.
“Repair is part of parenting.”
You snapped, you raised your voice or you might have said something you regret. It feels bad, I know (been there more than a few times!), but remember that we don’t need to parent perfectly — we need to parent with repair.
A simple “I’m sorry I snapped” teaches emotional intelligence more than any perfect script. I do this often with my teenagers and I show my vulnerability using language like “I didn’t handle that well. I didn’t get a great sleep last night and I’m sorry I took it out on you” or “Can I tell you why I was short? It actually had nothing to do with you — I’m preoccupied with a thought about [insert story if appropriate] and clearly I need some time out for self-care. Wanna go eat some dumplings or go for a walk/swim with me?”
“I deserve a leave pass for inconsistency.”
First up, you’re not a robot! In an ideal world, parenting would be beautifully consistent. Same rules. Same follow-through. Same calm tone. Same energy. Every day. But we don’t parent in an ideal world. We parent in the real one — the one with tired brains, busy mornings, hungry kids, deadlines, hormones, and a nervous system doing its best to keep up.
Yes, consistency is best practice. It’s something we can aim for. But perfect consistency doesn’t exist! Not in real homes with real humans. Because so often it’s not the ‘rule’ that decides what happens next — it’s the moment. Take screen time as an example…
Sometimes their screen time is up, but you’ve got 20 minutes left of the movie you’re watching, and you just quietly turn a blind eye. Other times, when it suits, when you have the capacity and when you’re holding a boundary, screen time is up and their devices are off immediately.
And then you get that awful feeling like “Am I a hypocrite? Am I inconsistent? Am I confusing them?” Here’s what I need you to know. That feeling doesn’t mean you’re failing, it means you’re parenting. You are not a walking rulebook. You are a human leading other humans, and here are some reframes that might help you:
“I’m not a hypocrite. I’m a human’”
“I’m doing the best I can with the energy I have”
“Consistency is a compass, not a weapon”
“I can be imperfect and still be a good parent”
And here’s a little reframe cheat sheet, because we all need shortcuts!
