One of the most common questions we hear from parents is this: I’ve read that I shouldn’t restrict foods, but won’t that mean they will eat an entire packet of lollies or a third slice of cake?
It’s a great question, and many parents feel the tension between wanting to support their kids to develop a healthy relationship with food and wanting them to eat foods that are healthy for them. The good news is, those two things are not at odds. While messages like “don’t restrict food” are well-intentioned, we understand that without more information or nuance, it can feel confusing — and a little unrealistic — when you’re parenting in the real world. Let’s unpack what this advice really means, and how you can approach food in a way that supports your child’s health, wellbeing and relationship with food.
What do we mean when we say “don’t restrict food”?
When we talk about avoiding restriction around food, we’re not encouraging you to let children eat unlimited amounts of anything at any time, never say no to food or to ignore nutrition altogether.
Instead, we’re talking about avoiding rigid, fear-based or moralised rules around food, treating certain foods as forbidden, bad or shameful, and using pressure or punishment to keep children away from them. This type of restriction might look like:
- Labelling foods as “good”, “bad”, “unhealthy”, “junk” or “sometimes” foods
- Using guilt or shame through comments like “do you really need that?”
- Making certain foods entirely off-limits and forbidden
- Using food as a reward or punishment
- Commenting on how much a child has eaten with judgement
Why food restriction often backfires
Overly restrictive feeding practices can actually increase a child’s preoccupation with those foods, making them more likely to overeat them when they get the chance. It’s known as the ‘forbidden fruit’ effect and can be likened to the feeling you get when you hold your breath under water — if you hold your breath for five seconds, you can come up for air feeling relatively okay, but if you hold your breath for a minute, you’re far more likely to come up gasping for air.
In relation to food, this means that the stricter we are, the more exciting and all-consuming restricted foods can become, meaning that when they do become available, we are more likely to eat past fullness, eat quickly and feel a sense of shame afterwards. Over time, this can erode natural hunger and fullness signals and contribute to a difficult relationship with food that lasts into adulthood.
The birthday party effect
If your child is asking for a third slice of cake or finishing a whole packet of lollies, it can feel alarming. But there are a few important things to keep in mind:
- They are fuelling growth and development. We don’t actually know when kids might be gearing up for a growth spurt. It takes a lot of energy to lay down bone, build out organs, regenerate cells and create hormones. Their body is in charge and their hunger levels vary accordingly
- Novelty and scarcity increase desire. If certain foods are rarely available or highly controlled, children may feel an urge to eat as much as possible when they are available
- Kids are still learning body cues. Children aren’t born knowing exactly how to regulate in every eating situation, especially with highly palatable foods. That’s something they learn over time (with guidance), and it’s often something that can only be learned by experiencing how eating past the point of fullness makes them feel. New research is also showing that neurodivergent young people might have fuzzy hunger and fullness cues
- Beyond nutrition. Food is a big part of the way we celebrate, socialise and come together. These moments, and the feeling of connection and belonging we get when we are all together sharing food, is much more important for our wellbeing than the nutrient profile of what we are eating.
So… how do we do this?
Ellyn Satter’s Division of Responsibility model is a widely used approach to guide feeding practice without restriction. In this model, responsibilities are divided like this:
- Parents decide what, when and where food is offered
- Children decide whether to eat and how much
A common worry here is “but if I’m not controlling how much they eat, how do I make sure they’re getting enough nutrition?” Because you decide what’s on offer, you can make sure meals and snacks include a range of nourishing foods without needing to pressure, bargain or reward your child to eat them. When children feel less pressure around eating, they’re actually more likely to try and accept a wider variety of foods over time.
The goal is to create an environment where the ‘fun’ and ‘exciting’ foods (that you might want to limit) feel accessible enough that they don’t feel scarce, removing the urge to consume them all whenever they’re around. We’ve all had times when we’ve helped ourselves to the kids’ Easter eggs after they go to bed, so no judgement! However, we want to avoid taking the Halloween lollies or party bags away from kids, throwing foods they enjoy away or hiding them in an effort to reduce consumption. Doing this means that next time, they will be even more driven to consume them while they can, because they have learned that it might not always be there…
When your child asks for more food that you feel the need to place limits on, here are some practical tips:
- Stay neutral and calm. Avoid reacting with alarm or judgement and try letting your child know that while they can’t have the food now, it will still be available to them — this might sound like “we’re having dinner in an hour, so let’s put those away for now.” This is neutral, matter-of-fact and doesn’t suggest the child has done anything wrong by wanting more
- Offer structure ahead of time. If you know a food might be exciting or hard to regulate, you can set expectations early by saying something like “we’ll each have one slice now, and we can have more tomorrow.”
- Get curious about hunger. Asking them questions like “are you still feeling hungry, or does your tummy feel pretty full?” invites children to tune into their body’s signals rather than outsourcing that awareness to you
- Avoid scarcity language. “That’s enough” lands very differently to “those are all yours. How about you choose which ones to try now, and which ones to save for later.” The second version reassures the child that the food isn’t going to disappear, which reduces the urgency to eat as much as possible right now
- Make ‘fun’ foods less scarce. When foods like lollies or cake are regularly included and available without a big emotional charge, kids are often not driven to eat large amounts of them all at once
- Trust the bigger picture. One day of eating larger amounts of less nutritious foods than usual won’t harm your child’s health — what matters most is their overall dietary patterns and relationship with food over time
It’s worth noting that how you apply all of this will look different depending on your child’s age. With toddlers and young children, the focus is on setting the environment and role modelling — they’re learning through watching you, and big explanations aren’t necessary. With primary school-aged kids, you can start to have simple conversations about hunger and fullness. By the time they reach adolescence, the aim is to gradually shift them towards being able to take on the what, when, and where from the Division of Responsibility model, which can take some trial and error. Asking curious questions about how they feel, how they were able to focus, or how much energy they had for their sport can help teens reflect on choices and try something different next time. At every stage, the principles stay the same — neutral language, no shame and consistent access — but the way they play out in practice will naturally evolve.
What if my child really does eat a lot?
It can sometimes feel like your child doesn’t have an ‘off’ switch or that they are consistently overeating certain foods. Occasional enthusiastic eating (like at a birthday party, on a special occasion or after a big day of activity) is completely normal and not something to worry about. However, if you notice your child consistently eating to the point of discomfort, hiding food or seeming anxious or distressed around eating, it’s worth a conversation with your GP or a paediatric dietitian. These patterns can sometimes signal that something else is going on, and early support makes a big difference. We have co-developed a free service to support parents and carers with this, and you can learn more about it here.
In this situation, it can also be helpful to gently reflect on these questions:
- Are these foods highly restricted at other times?
- Is my child actually having regular meals and snacks?
- Is there any pressure, reward or emotional meaning attached to food?
If we want children to grow up trusting their bodies, feeling relaxed around all types of food and free from guilt, shame or fear around eating, then we need to make the food environments around them more conducive to that. It may feel daunting or scary to make these shifts (especially if you’ve grown up with certain ideas around food), however just being more aware of your language and behaviours around food can go a long way for the children around you.
Many of us are working to create a food environment that looks very different from the one we grew up in, so sometimes our old, ingrained messages slip out instead of the ones we’re trying to use. We know you’re reading this because you care deeply about your children, and the fact that you’re here already puts you ahead of where many of us started.
